TWO REMAIN UNBEATEN. TWO REMAIN WINLESS.
In an overall much lower-scoring fantasy week, the Waxball Gods strike down most of its Week 1 victors and leave a former champ and a gay Australian unscathed, but not without some chewed fingernails.
As always, I’m your unbiased, sigh of relief, triple-checking the numbers, lucky fuck Stat Fag Nic Hamilton. Let’s wrap up Week 2 of 2026.
CHAMPIONSHIP BLUES FADE
After suffering one of the closest losses of 2025 in last year’s championship, Blue (blueballs; 145.36pts) dominated Milo (Nacua Matata; 100.70pts) by the week’s largest win margin in our Heated Rivalry of the week. JSN was almost entirely responsible, as he put up 42.50pts on his own, 95.1% of the spread and 29.2% of Blue’s entire weekly score. The victory is Blue’s first ever over Manheim after going 0-2 in Milo’s rookie season, one being the tight championship matchup and the other being a 42.90pts thrashing by Milo, making the all-time point record between these two almost exactly even (Milo 396.04pts-397.00pts Blue).
This is Blue’s 3rd weekly highest score ever and extends his league-leading weekly top-three finishes to 15. Erik (Pamela Mari Ohno Dagoberg; 143.26pts) is hot on his heels, also finishing on the podium this week and pushing his total top-three finishes to 14.
Milo’s active four-game win streak, including last year’s playoffs, comes to an end with his lowest score since his last loss in Week 14 of 2025 (77.18pts v Erik).
Updated rivalry
Despite this week’s dominance, Blue (3rd) and Milo (6th) both hold 1-1 records to start the season, though Blue holds the second-highest PF in the league. This week knocked their Rivalry Score up from 75 to 93, each becoming each other’s Fiercest Rival. They’ll meet again in Week 13.
Blue meets Mosko (poonfullofsugar; 12th) in Week 3, a matchup he’s dominated 4-0 all-time. Last year’s rookie champ and rookie regular-season winner Milo and Paul (helloimpaul; 11th) face off in Week 3, their first matchup since Milo knocked Paul out of the playoffs in 2025.
POONS FALL
In another matchup defined by one player’s performance, Erik (Pamela Mari Ohno Dagoberg; 143.26pts) and Mosko (poonfullofsugar; 124.28pts) respectively put up the 2nd- and 4th-highest scores of the week, Erik’s total mostly courtesy of Davante Adams’ 39.50pts as Puka sat out MNF.
After being beaten by Milo (139.96pts) in Week 1, Mosko has the highest PA in the league by a fat margin. He sits in 12th despite outscoring 11th-place Paul (helloimpaul) by 22.48pts in Week 2. It’s Jacob’s second time starting a season 0-2, the other being 2024, in which he ultimately got the wax.
Erik’s historical profile remains ridiculous, topping the league in all-time average score and all-time PF, and ranking 2nd in all-time point differential and weekly top-three finishes.
Mosko (12th) and Erik (4th)’s all-time record swings to 3-2 with Mosko actually holding the overall lead.
poonfullofsugar wasn’t the only poon to fall this week, as his messiah Will (poon messiah; 110.78pts) fell to Commish Miles (Daddy Campbell; 120.18pts) in the week’s tightest matchup and their 6th-ever meeting, more than any other pair of managers in Waxball.
In Week 3, Commish faces Nic (Stat Fag; 1st) and Will meets Sam (mistahbigdick; 10th) in two matchups with even historical records, 1-1 and 2-2 respectively.
Erik and Trav (darryluvr3000; 8th) meet in next week’s Heated Rivalry, a matchup that resulted in the league’s biggest ever blowout in their last meeting (85.18pts; Week 10, 2025). Mosko meets Blue (blueballs; 3rd) in Week 3, an opponent he’s yet to beat in four all-time matchups.
CHAMP RUNNING IT BACK?
After starting both previous seasons 1-1, Waxball’s inaugural champ Christian (Steeler Virginity; 126.52pts) goes 2-0 and sits in 2nd despite holding the lowest PF in the top four. Josh Allen put up 40.82pts, accounting for almost one-third of Christian’s total score. This win comes against the week’s lowest scorer in Trav (darryluvr3000; 87.36pts), who put up last week’s 3rd-highest score in blowing out Sam (mistahbigdick; 149.90-100.76pts) in Week 1. That drop of 62.54pts is the 9th-largest week-to-week scoring drop in league history.
Christian now leads this rivalry 3-1, with all three victories coming by at least 23.70pts. He continues to hold the league’s highest all-time point differential.
Trav’s loss comes in a week of score drop-offs, as he and Havi (Papi Coop; 89.34pts), last week’s 2nd- and 3rd-highest scorers, put up the two lowest scores of Week 2. Havi’s injury-riddled team wouldn’t even have been saved if he managed to sub out Nico Collins in time, as his highest-scoring bench flex player Aaron Jones (10.50pts) didn’t make up the difference between him and Sam (mistahbigdick; 104.82pts) in our lowest-scoring matchup of the week.
Trav and Erik (Pamela Mari Ohno Dagoberg; 4th) meet in next week’s Heated Rivalry. In the three times Erik has defeated Trav, it’s been by 52.64pts, 29.58pts and 85.18pts.
Christian finds Havi (Papi Coop; 5th) for the first time since Christian sent Havi to the Toilet Bowl game, ultimately resulting in his sexy calendar shoot. Sam faces Will (poon messiah; 7th) in a dead-even 2-2 matchup after they met thrice in 2025.
GAY CAN MEAN HAPPY TOO
In 2025, Paul defeated Nic in Week 2 to go 2-0, ultimately winning the regular season. This year, the turn tables.
The weight of this matchup all rested on Jaxson Dart’s shoulders on MNF. It may have all proved too heavy as Dart left the game in the first drive after being sandwiched by two big men. Had Paul (helloimpaul; 101.80pts) started Joe Burrow like Nic (Stat Fag; 117.50pts) so politely asked, he would’ve still fallen to the league leader, but only by 0.32pts.
After only ever finishing a week as high as 3rd in Weeks 1 and 2 of 2024 and Week 9 of 2025, Nic sits atop the table with the highest PF in the league, a spot Paul is all too familiar with after topping the table for the vast majority of last year. Paul starts the year 0-2 after doing the opposite in 2025.
Nic and Miles (Daddy Campbell; 9th) do battle in Week 3 after somehow only facing each other twice in two seasons, holding a 1-1 record. Paul and Milo (Nacua Matata; 6th) match up next week in a battle of the sophomores.
TRENDS EMERGE
In the first two weeks of 2025, our eventual regular-season loser Miles went 0-2, as in 2024 did Will, the regular-season loser, and Mosko, who was waxed. Havi went 1-1 last year but ended the year 4-10 with a calendar shoot to show for it.
Conversely, last year’s title holders Milo and Paul both went 2-0 to start 2025 and inaugural champion Christian went 1-1 in 2024. The only outlier here is Erik, who went 0-2 in 2024 before making the blockbuster trade-that-shall-not-be-named and winning the regular season.
My point is, Mosko and Paul, maybe reach out to Sam. Try to get Josh Allen for Jonah Coleman. It’s happened before.