A streaking commissioner bared his ass to the crowd for yet another week, blue balls stayed red-hot, and the Comeback Kid was left in a ditch with come on his back.
As always, I'm your numerically engorged, historically concupiscent, completely unbiased Stat Fag Nic Hamilton. Let's wrap up Week 8 of 2026.
SEVEN STRAIGHT. OR "BI" OR WHATEVER
Miles E (Daddy Campbell) finally beat Sam (mistahbigdick) 122.26-106.18, ending an 0-4 curse against him. More importantly, the win extends Miles' run to seven and gives him the longest regular-season winning streak in Waxball history, breaking the six-game record Erik set in 2024.
Miles has not lost since Week 1. He now looks to the next record, as his seventh-straight week in first place is second all-time to Paul's nine straight in 2025. Commish will have to take down Christian and Erik over the next two weeks to tie that total, who just happen to be the only two opponents he has never defeated in Waxball.
As dominant as he may seem, Miles' fifth-highest weekly score means he is no longer first in all-play. His 60-28 mark trails Blue's league-best 63-25, as Blue starts sneakily nipping at his heels.
BLUE BALLS STAY RED HOT
Blue (blueballs) produced the week's highest score for the second straight week and beat Erik (Pamela Mari Ohno Dagoberg) for the first time, surviving 145.06-139.10 in the week's closest matchup.
After two weeks of over 145pts, Blue moves to 5-3 and 2nd place with the league's best all-play record and PF. Blue has now put up the weekly high two weeks in a row immediately after Trav did the same thing in Weeks 5 and 6. Finishing a week on the podium once more moves Blue to 14 weekly top-three finishes, one behind Erik's league-leading 15.
Speaking of Pamela, Erik's reward for scoring the week's second-most points is a fifth loss on the season. His 139.10pts is the eighth-highest losing score in league history, and he now sits 8th at 3-5 despite ranking 3rd in all-play at 52-36 and holding the 3rd-best PF in the league. If he manages a playoff spot, he'll be a sneaky contender for the title.
COME BACK! NO SERIOUSLY! WHERE'D YOU GO?!
Will (poon messiah) climbed out of last place by burying Mosko (comeback kid) 112.40-63.14 in this week's biggest blowout. The 49.26pt battering ties their all-time series 2-2 and moves Will up to 10th as he avoids extending his league record for weeks finished in last place.
Mosko's 63.14pts is the fourth-lowest score in Waxball history. It's exactly 2.00pts above the 61.14pts career low he set in Week 11 last year and only 2.02pts above Will's former league record. Will and Mosko now own four of the five lowest scores in Waxball history.
The Comeback Kid has gone from 0-3 to 3-3 to 3-5 and now sits 12th with the league's worst all-play record at 29-59. This is all surely just so he can come back all over again. The man's a genius.
IT'S GLENN CLOSE AS FUCK
It's the closest Waxball season in history at this point, as only two games separate second and twelfth place.
Nic (Stat Fag)'s birthday gift to Havi (Papi Coop) was a win in the week's Heated Rivalry 125.48-112.92, cutting Nic's series lead to 4-2 and moving the birthday boy to 5-3 and 3rd place. Nic left another 28.70pts from Tony Pollard on his bench, but not to worry, Nic will start him in Week 10 after his bye week and he'll put up 4pts. And the world keeps on fucking spinning.
Defending champ Milo (Nacua Matata) beat Trav (darryluvr3000) 130.50-118.00 to achieve the biggest jump of the week, up into 4th place from 8th last week. Trav now holds the league's worst all-time point differential at -335.08pts, overtaking Will for the record.
Paul (helloimpaul) beat Christian (Steeler Virginity) 120.08-85.16 behind Joe Burrow's week-leading 39.48pts. Last year's regular-season winner Paul was bottom with a 1-5 record two weeks ago; consecutive wins have dragged him up into 9th with the second-best PF in the Toilet Bowl picture.
WEEK 9
WEEK 9 PREVIEW
Miles puts his new seven-game record on the line against Christian, who has beaten him in both of their previous meetings.
The week's tame Heated Rivalry sees Mosko and Sam meet in an almost completely even series, sitting at 1-1 with an 8.74pt average margin.
Blue meets Trav for the first time since Blue put up his career-low score in Week 7 of 2025 (75.14pts). This game is almost always a blowout, with the tightest matchup being a 19.34pt win for Trav in 2024.
Havi finds a finally-North-American Milo in a battle of 3rd and 4th place. The only time these two have met was a 146.20-109.62 demolishing by Milo in Week 9 of last year.
Erik and Paul match up for the second time ever after Erik's brutally unlucky week. He'll look to notch his first win against Paul and start his playoff charge, while Paul looks to emulate his Week 11 2025 smashing of Erik 122.22-88.20 and keep climbing the table.
Will also looks to continue his ladder climb against Nic in another series that's almost always a blowout, with an average margin of 31.23pts.
WEEK 9 KICKS OFF WITH JAGUARS @ RAVENS ON THURSDAY NIGHT.
CHECK OUT YOUR MANAGER DATABASE AND RIVALRIES FOR THE LATEST WAX STATS.
UNTIL NEXT TIME, HERE'S ME SAYING GOODBYE. GOODBYE!