IT WAS NICE WHILE IT LASTED.
No one sits undefeated through three weeks of Waxball football. One man, though, is googling the side effects of one's asshole being waxed twice in three years. And bad news, it's death.
As always, I'm your back down to earth, sipping from his humble cup, one of the people Stat Fag Nic Hamilton. Let's wrap up Week 3 of 2026.
A NEW MOSK-LOW-VITZ
For the fifth time in five meetings, Miles Blue (blueballs) defeated Jacob Moskovitz (poonfullofsugar), pushing their series record to 5-0. Mosko has never reached 120pts against Blue, and it was the same story this week as he put up the week's lowest score, something he's done in three of their five meetings.
It's been a rough start for Mosko, who sits alone at 0-3, the third manager to do that in league history after Will in 2024 and Miles E in 2025. Both ended the regular season in dead last but escaped the punishment, a glimmer of hope for Mosko. He puts up a score in the bottom three of a week for the 13th time in league history, second only to Will with 14.
Blue continues to be carried by his star man as JSN (35.36pts) was in the top two fantasy players of the week for the second week running. No one else on Blue's roster scored more than 14pts. Regardless, the win keeps him in 3rd and he ends the week on the podium for the 12th time in league history, second only to Erik with 14 week-ending podium finishes.
MOM AND POP SHOP
While a league-record-tying seven managers sit at 2-1 after Week 3, Erik (Pamela Mari Ohno Dagoberg) and Miles E (Daddy Campbell) sit atop them as the only managers with more than 400pts PF.
Miles put up his personal highest score to defeat Nic (Stat Fag) by 66.94pts in the 8th-biggest blowout in league history. Everyone showed up as Gibbs, Purdy and London combined for 101.08pts, only 1.16pts fewer than Nic's entire team. Nic in 2024 remains the only manager to start a season 3-0.
Not to be forgotten, Erik blew out Trav (darryluvr3000) in this week's Heated Rivalry by 54.10pts. Waxball's biggest-ever blowout came in their last meeting in Week 10 of 2025, and three of Erik's four victories against Trav have been by more than 50pts.
Erik's massive win pushes him above Christian to now hold the best all-time point differential. The last time anyone but Christian or Erik held this title was Miles E after Week 12 of 2024, almost two years ago.
These results skyrocket mom and dad to 1st- and 2nd-place, pushing Nic and Trav down to 4th and 11th respectively.
ELSEWHERE
Despite defeating Christian (Steeler Virginity) by 5.86pts in the tightest game of the week, Havi (Papi Coop) remains 5th, just 0.78 PF above 6th-place Christian.
In the battle of the sophomores, benched players proved costly as Milo (Nacua Matata)'s wonderkid Kenyon Sadiq put up 23.50pts, outscoring his starting TE Kelce by 9.60pts. Paul (helloimpaul) would go on to win by 7.14pts, moving their record to 2-1 Paul and giving Paul his first win of the season.
In defeating Will, Sam (mistahbigdick) took the lead in a rivalry that started the week deadlocked 2-2. Sam's score has increased week-to-week (100.76 - 104.82 - 123.14) as Will's has declined (127.96 - 110.78 - 102.28). Will has started differently every season, going 0-3 in 2024, 2-1 in 2025 and 1-2 this year.
WEEK FOUR, SKIN QUIVERS
In Week 4 of 2025, Paul and Milo faced off in a battle of the eventual regular-season winner and playoff champion.
In the same week of 2024, Christian beat Mosko. Christian went 3-1 and would go on to win that year. Mosko went 1-3 and ended up getting the wax.
Our Heated Rivalry this week is Christian v Will, a series that sits deadlocked at 2-2. Will put up the league's lowest-ever score in their first meeting in Week 3 of 2024. Christian has put up the week's lowest score in their two most recent meetings, the latest being the game that saved Will from continuing in the Toilet Bowl in Week 15 of 2025.
In the basement battle, 11th-place Trav meets 12th-place Mosko in Week 4. They've somehow only faced each other twice in league history, the record sitting at 1-1. Mosko will aim to avoid becoming only the second manager in league history to go 0-4, after Will in 2024. Will was winless that year until Week 9 and still avoided the wax.
These two matchups have only ever occurred once apiece, with both of last year's rookies taking the win in those meetings. In Blue and Paul's only meeting, Paul put up his highest-ever score and the highest of any team in 2025 (179.94pts).
League-leading Erik meets 5th-place Havi in the fourth meeting of a series that stands 2-1. Erik leads the series, but Havi has outscored him by 10.36pts across their three meetings.
Both Nic and Sam are 2-1 through very different circumstances. Nic ranks 4th in PF but has faced the league's second-highest PA. Sam ranks 11th in PF but has benefited from the third-lowest PA. Nic leads the series 2-1, although Sam won their only 2025 matchup.