A commissioner sits alone at the top, as our 2025 regular-season winner tastes the basement floor, and Trav does the unthinkable... one week after Mosko does. But more importantly, where's that gun?
As always, I'm your resident up-in-arms, slowly unraveling, idiot gay fucking idiot Stat Fag Nic Hamilton. Let's wrap up Week 5 of 2026.
MILES HIGH CLUB
Miles Elliot (Daddy Campbell) won the Miles Bowl and took sole possession of first place with a 147.26-133.96 victory over Miles Blue (blueballs). Miles E's wonderboy Jahmyr Gibbs put up 37.70pts, but the highest-scoring player of the week belonged to the loser as Drake Maye gave Blue an insufficient 39.46pts.
This is only the sixth time in Waxball history that a manager started the week's highest-scoring player and still lost. Mosko was the first with Lamar Jackson's 34.44pts in his Week 7 2024 loss to Trav. Sam has achieved this thrice, with Bijan Robinson's 35.80pts in Week 6 2025, Josh Allen's 37.84pts in Week 14 2025 and Caleb Williams' 37.26pts in Week 1 of this year. Blue owns the other two: Derrick Henry's 45.60pts in the 2025 championship, a game he lost to Milo by 0.80pts, and now Maye. Somehow, half of all six belong to Sam.
The result leaves Miles E as the league's only 4-1 manager and gives him a league-best 684.96 PF. His four-game streak is already tied for the third-longest in Waxball history. Blue scored the fifth-most points of Week 5, becoming the week's highest-scoring loser and slipped from 2nd to 3rd. This matchup tied the Miles Bowl all-time series 3-3 and pushed its Rivalry Score from 80 to 90/100.
TRAV AND MOSKO SITTING IN A TREE
After putting up the week's league-low score last week, Trav (darryluvr3000) answered with a Week 5-best 149.34pts, beating Havi (Papi Coop) in the week's Heated Rivalry. It is only the third time a manager has followed the weekly low with the next week's high: Sam did it across Weeks 9-10 of 2024, then Mosko became the second just last week.
Trav now leads the series 4-2 and preserves its perfect 100/100 Rivalry Score. The performance was his fourth career weekly high, moving him into tied 3rd all time. Havi slipped from 3rd to 4th with the loss.
Erik jumped from 5th to 2nd with the week's largest victory, a 52.72pt demolition of Will. His +107.12 point differential is the league's best by more than 46 points. Will's 81.90pts is the lowest score of 2026 and gives him six career weekly lows, tying Christian for the most in Waxball history.
ONE. FIVE. FIVE. ONE.
Week 5 leaves Waxball with one manager at 4-1, five at 3-2, five at 2-3 and one at 1-4. Miles E occupies the penthouse and Paul occupies the basement.
Milo ended Sam's three-game winning streak with a 144.32-133.48 win and climbed to 7th. He started an inactive Kyle Monangai and still produced the week's 3rd-highest score. His 620.00 PF ranks 4th, making him the highest-scoring manager outside the playoff field. At the other end, Sam remains 6th at 3-2 despite ranking 10th in PF and carrying a -19.66 point differential.
On Monday night, Nic needed Josh Allen not to outscore his own kicker, Tyler Bass, by 11 points. Bass did his job, putting up 12pts, while Allen had fewer than 3pts at halftime. Allen then rushed for 121 yards and finished with 31pts, handing Christian a 126.20-117.78 win and a climb from 8th to 5th. Nic has now lost three straight after opening 2-0, a collapse previously managed only by Miles E in 2024.
Mosko made it two straight after his 0-3 start by beating Paul 111.94-97.80. Mosko had the week's 3rd-lowest score and still beat Paul, who had the 2nd-lowest, climbing out of the bottom two just two weeks after looking welded to 12th. The closest completed-season precedent is Erik in 2024: he started 0-2, escaped the bottom two in Week 3 and never returned, eventually winning the regular season and finishing 2nd.
WEEK 6: HAVI'S TOUGH LUCK
Havi and Mosko meet in Week 6's Heated Rivalry with the series tied 2-2 and a perfect 100/100 Rivalry Score, giving Havi a second consecutive appearance in a 100/100 Heated Rivalry. Mosko has won two straight after starting 0-3, while Havi enters at 3-2 after slipping from 3rd to 4th in Week 5.
THE REST OF WEEK 6
Miles E puts first place and a four-game streak on the line against last-place Paul, who won their only previous meeting. Nic looks to break the league's longest active losing streak against 2nd-place Erik, who leads their series 3-1 and owns a 67/100 Rivalry Score.
3rd-place Blue and 6th-place Sam meet at 3-2 with Blue leading their series 2-1. Trav has never lost to Will in three meetings, while Milo looks to continue his unbeaten 2-0 run against Christian.
WEEK 6 KICKS OFF WITH SEAHAWKS @ BRONCOS ON THURSDAY NIGHT.
CHECK OUT YOUR MANAGER DATABASE AND RIVALRIES TO SET YOURSELF UP FOR WEEK 6.
UNTIL NEXT TIME, HERE'S ME SAYING GOODBYE. GOODBYE!